Winter Break So Far…

I took my last final in the kind of blizzard you’d never wanna get caught in.  The kind of storm that causes unavoidable slipping and a lack of vision due to the thickness of snow.  So needless to say, when the 19^th came around, and my classes were completed, I was as done as ever.

 

I came back two days before my ex-boyfriend’s birthday.  The same ex-boyfriend that was my first love — the one I left for Wisconsin.  The one I left for casual sex and a carefree college life.  As you all know, I found it.  Although he started out in Boston, he has made it back to LA to finish up school on the West side.  Generally unresponsive to me these days, K asked me to come over the night of his birthday.  Shocked by an invitation from currently the flakiest person I know, I cleared my plans.  I gathered up my two close friends, who have always loved K for his wittiness and his sarcasm. 

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Ending this semester…

I sit here in my warm apartment and watch heavy snow fall from my window.  Weather reports say negative four and storms on the way.  This might be perfect timing with a romantic poetry paper to write and several finals to do — on a day like today, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but this cozy room.

 

However, with deadlines on my mind, I’ve found any type of distraction I could possibly find.  Last night I went to Johny O’s bar on University.  That’s the thing you gotta know about this school, certain nights entail certain things.  You know if you are going out on Thursday night, head straight to Johny O’s to ensure you’ll see everyone you’ve learned to love or hate in the past four years.  All of your past hook-ups will be buying new girls shots, but certainly texting you at bar time.  The girl you became instant BFF with the first week of freshman year will give you a guaranteed awkward wave.  And of course the people you did want to see that night, but actually forgot to call, will be floating around somewhere.  Again, my feelings remain indifferent.  I feel like I’m in “Groundhog’s Day” and I can’t tell if I want to escape it or embrace it.

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More than just turkey….

          I boarded a 6 am flight the Friday before Thanksgiving.  The dreadful early plane ride wasn’t so bad with my best friend by my side.  I perked up quickly with excitement once I realized I would be stepping out of nine degrees and into seventy or seventy five.

            I tried to do it all.  Well, all that I could do in exactly a week.  My weekend started off at a local bar with some old friends that I honestly forget about until I come back to LA.  I remember them when I am reminded that my usual group of friends won’t be back from school until after the weekend and these boys are always around.  Hey, I tell the truth.  So G and C took me out to this hole-in-the-wall bar, in the Valley, that was located conveniently in a mini mall.  Not my proudest moment but it was three minutes from my house and the drinks were under five dollars.  Note to self, go to Fox Fire in Valley Glen to get drunk on a budget.  And maybe if you’re lucky you’ll pick up a guy sitting alone at the bar who looks as if the world has collapsed right before his vodka tonic.  We all know I tried to start up conversation once, maybe twice.

 

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Politically Out of Place

On November 4^th, my roommates and I got up before sunrise.  We walked a block to our school library and were the second group to get in line.  We waited an hour until it was time.  An older lady performed a countdown, 3-2-1 “The polls are now open!” she said while she cried!  It was an amazing event to vote in my first presidential election.

 

The following weekend I met J at a local bar in Madison.  I was intrigued he was over 22 and hanging around the college scene.  It was refreshing to meet someone I knew I wouldn’t run into on my walk to class the following week or someone I wouldn’t continually be sitting next to in a class discussion.  Therefore, I went with it.

 

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Las Vegas

Halloween in Madison, Wisconsin is a scene. The first time I ever came to visit this school was the Halloween weekend and I was into it. Downtown was flooded with drunken college kids with cops on horses patrolling the streets. My seventeen-year-old eyes hadn’t seen such a sight and I thought to myself, this is college; this is craziness. I think my first Halloween in Wisconsin was the last time I had fun on such a productive holiday. It has become such an ordeal. The tickets to get into the bars and clubs have gotten ridiculously expensive and everyone downtown seems to be more drunk and more underage.

So I decided to take my own holiday, away from this holiday. Call this a contradiction, but I headed to Las Vegas. Yes, this place is crazy. Yes, this place has more drunken people than I could image in the small town of Madison. But this place is the city where my twin Sister, R, lives.

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Casual Fling

It started out as any casual fling would.  He asked me to dinner, I accepted, we went to an Italian place two blocks away.  A friend of a friend, who I’ve known for years, but never really pictured as more than that.  When he asked when he could see me again, I ordered another glass of merlot and tried to see if we’d fit the frame.  I wasn’t sure yet.

 

So he called, immediately.  It was refreshing.  A week had gone by, we hadn’t even slept together and he was helping me with my Physics exam and taking me on cute ice cream dates.  But it all happened so fast.  I hadn’t had a moment to think about what I wanted, but I knew what he wanted.  I was bombarded.  When he said he’d call at nine, he called at eight fifty.  When I completed my test at four, sure enough I’d have a text waiting for me when I was exiting the building.  Slow down.

 

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Change in feelings…

On the first night of my sophomore year a group of my closest friends dressed up to have fun.  We had dinner with a group of guys two years older than us who were friends of friends.  I immediately was drawn to D who I spotted as soon as we sat down.  We were yelling at each other from across the table just to pick up a few facts about one another. From the northern suburbs of Chicago, Jewish, and his plans for the following year involved med school.  Great, perfect and intriguing. 

 

As the night progressed, the perfect on paper guy really pulled me in.  He was charming, funny and interested in living life.  I was sold.  We spent the night together, did the awkward number exchange in the morning and that was basically it.  Why do they request a number when they never plan on calling?

 

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Starting it all…

I remember how it all started.  I remember my nerves conflicting with my excitement.  I didn’t know how to feel anything but anxious.  I remember smiling though unfamiliar faces and laughing through the first few nights out.  My college life was just getting started.  I was a freshman at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  I didn’t know what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be.  The best part of that is, I didn’t need to. 

 

I ended my first serious relationship with the first love of my life shortly into the semester.  My regret of losing the only person to understand me completely at that time drifted quickly.  I became obsessed with the casualness of college and with the ability to start over with the unknown.  I remember how exhilarating it was, to explore this idea of suddenly being free from an attachment that was too mature for the immature couple we were.  I look back now and giggle at the thought of an eighteen year old believing she knew what she wanted in a companion.  I’m almost twenty two and I’m still not completely sure, yet I’m positive that’s okay.

 

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Weekend Trip…

I decided some weeks ago to take a mini vacation to Minneapolis, Minnesota.  I rented a car, packed a bag of fall clothing, fun junk food and hit the highway going west.  One speeding ticket and a minor fender bender later (no comment, no comment) I had completed my five hour drive.

 

I have several family members in this part of the Midwest and when I’m at school this is as close to home as I can get.  I also have created groups of friends in this city, and of course if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, you already know me too well.

 

I have had an on again off again fling with B since the start of my college career.  A family friend that I became immediately attracted to when we first met.  A led to B and B led to C and before you knew, you know it.  We see each other here and their and he pulls me back every time.  The one I know is all wrong for me but when we become close all I know is how right it feels.  The one who is going no where in life, but I still desire what I can get.  The one I lower my standards for because I let my sense of humor take control.

 

So I didn’t exactly make the trip for B, however my intentions were to see him at some point between my family dinners and socializing.  Well B is always on his own agenda, it’s always about him.  Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn.  It’s always a struggle to make actual plans and until now I’ve put up with it. 

 

The three days went by and I was strung along, hour by hour. I promised myself at a certain hour each night I’d shut off my phone and not wait for the 2 am call.  I promised myself that this would be the time I would come to my senses and realize I’m too good for maybe later or I’ll call you in an hour.  Because one hour always leads to two or three.

 

I never saw B.  I had five hours of open road to get my thoughts going.  As I headed back East I slowed down this time.  Half way through my drive he called again, and I rejected the call immediately.  Whether he be a friend, a fling or just a flakey person in my life I won’t stand for it.  I have become so selfless in our…situation…and he approaches every situation selfishly.  Life doesn’t work that way.  At least mine doesn’t.  I live by my calendar and my to do list.  Sure, maybe I shouldn’t plan every movement of my life, but I know I’m a person that wants a general idea of what comes next. 

 

When I got home, I’ll tell you what came next.  Although this is highly 11^th grade of me, I sat in my slightly smashed up vehicle and deleted every old text, new text and phone number of B’s.  I couldn’t place any other feeling then liberation.  This is gotta be it, I told myself, you’ve gotta know better.  Well, as for my next plan.  I’ve got a few in mind.    Stay strong and continue ignoring any signs of weakness next time a unknown Minneapolis number comes through, ignore immediately.     

Exploring London

I spent a year in London, which means a year to get myself into the dating live in such a wonderful city to meet wonderful new people.  I naturally got myself into a mess, very shortly after I arrived.

            I officially lived two different dating lives.  I worked hard to keep up, because it’s been fun to just keep running.  If each of them only knew.

            I knew that the minute I met S I was pulled in.  I didn’t need time to get to know him, or get to know us.  I couldn’t get him out of my mind.  I couldn’t get that first night away from any of my daily thoughts.  I felt so venerable.  I knew right away he could smell my obsession and I hated wearing it on my face, but I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

            When I meet M I was intrigued.  I liked the give and take, the fact that it was so guanine, and simple.  But while smiling, it also became boring. Quickly.

            So what was I to do?  S jumped in and out of my life when most convenient for him.  He knew I melted when he got around to calling, he could hear me smiling on the other line.  M was more steady, and in general just a more stable person.  So why would I let him go? As sick as this sounds I couldn’t let M get away, knowing that I had such a great guy in my life who really wanted all of me as often as he could. 

            S became almost as frequent as M for sometime.  They inconveniently lived just a few blocks away from one another in north London.  I walked quickly each morning I left either one of their flats; just terrified I’d see either one.  As soon as the train took off, I was safe once again.

            When I moved back to the states in April I realized I never regretted what I did.  I never looked back and wished I did it differently.  I lived in the moment, I lived for fun and for once I lived for me.  No one got hurt and both knew I was headed back eventually.  Bottom line, I was only in London for a year and I just wanted to live.